• Baby Brother

    James wants a “baby brah-dah mama” my husband playfully mocks me as I wait for the results of my pregnancy test to appear. Ahhh!! I let my guard down!! I didn’t realize James and his tiny poker finger had gained so much ground on my face with the help of his father. The entire length of my baby’s finger has made it inside of my left nostril. We all break out in laughter. Great, another “bad” habit we’re enforcing with our odd sense of humor. Two minutes to go. Ugh, the wait. It. Kills. Me. Every. Single. Time. What is this I’m feeling? Anticipation of some sort. A longing? The…

  • Acquainted

    During the all encompassing IVF process, before conceiving, I had given my first handshake to postpartum anxiety and postpartum depression. As lucid as reality, this nightmare placed doubt and fear into the core of my very being. Could it be possible? Could such powerfully dark feelings surround an infant I so desperately longed for? For a child yet to be conceived? The scene in this daunting subconscious nightmare played out as so. Laying in the naturally bright delivery room bed, I had just birthed a healthy, beautiful baby boy. I did not see his beauty with my own eyes. I did not feel his health in my own arms. I…

  • “What’s that…?”

    It’s a game I play. By myself. In my own head. Oh the self camaraderie of motherhood. “What’s that smell?” Or “What’s that stain?” Or “What’s that… uhh… shoot, lost my train of thought. What am I doing again?” Laying in bed earlier today I played “What’s that smell?!” Ok. Definitely not pleasant. But not necessarily totally vile either. My son looks at me and smiles, yes we bed-share, I smile back and think – you’re stinking up my bed. Waking up a little more my brain starts to go through the checklist of possible items defiling my nose. Ah! That’s it! It’s the smell of urine… Yay! I smile…

  • Day 365

    “I don’t know where I’m going but I’m on my way.” Carl Sandburg Sheer chaos. Well let’s be honest here, it’s middle class, first world chaos I’m talking about. The type of chaos inflicted when a new member of the family is introduced. It has been 365 days since our transition from a family of three – Husband, wife & dog – to a family of four. I once read somewhere that the days go by slowly but the years will fly by. Reflecting back on the last 12 months I couldn’t agree more. Motherhood has been the most difficult task of my entire life. Every skill within the title…